it wasn't lemon gatorade
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
Randomize
