He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
My girlfriend figured out who you are.
hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
Randomize
