its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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