it's not the walk of shame if you do it in cowboy boots.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
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