dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
