Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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