In regards to your tweet: as its been said on all of those posters on ffffound: keep calm and carry on
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Randomize
