I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
