what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
