my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
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