remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
doooooooo herrrrrrrrr
I'm out of practice. be my yoda
put your penis in her you must.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
