I just threw up on my dentist
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
