mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
Randomize
