I cannot find my penis.
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
I checked into jail on foursquare
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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