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ok, stay where you are, be there soon
Strip flip cup NEVER equals good idea
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
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