I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
Randomize
