Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Randomize
