I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
Fuck me I smell like cheese
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
Randomize
