So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
