I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
Randomize
