worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
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