this just has baby written all over it
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.�
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
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