I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
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