I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
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