just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
question: masturbation: how much is too much? I think i'm about to tip toe a fine line
hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
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