Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
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