My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
I still have a little drunk in my system
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
