Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
She tied me up with her honor cords...
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Randomize
