ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
Randomize
