Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
Randomize
