The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
I am midnight drunk by noon
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
So all semester this guy and girl have been talking, and today is the last class and we are doing nothing. I would have skipped but I want to see if he seals the deal or pusses out. It's like a season finale.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
Randomize
