i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
Randomize
