I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
