He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
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