I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
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