I met the friendliest cop last night
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
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