Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
Randomize
