To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
Randomize
