It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Randomize
