His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
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