So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
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