smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
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