walkin home..,.jsut saw the cheshire cat
watch out for the queen of hearts
fuucck i forgot ab her
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Randomize
