Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
