I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
Found the puke drawer
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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