My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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