every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
I need some transition time from spring break.. can we day drink between classes this week?
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
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