I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
Michelle Duggar likes to fuuuuck
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
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