My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Randomize
