there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
Randomize
